Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Anti-Mormons successful: “adieu” in the Book of Mormon causes church membership to plunge

SALT LAKE CITY, UT- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which last year surpassed the 13 million mark in membership, has taken a sharp turn for the worse in recent weeks. Anti-Mormon groups worldwide are claiming responsibility for this plunge in membership, crediting their discovery that the appearance of the word “adieu” in the Book of Mormon is anachronistic, thus proving the church to be a fraud.

The appearance of “adieu” (or as opponents of the church call it, “The Smoking Gun”) occurs just once in the Book of Mormon, at the end of the book of Jacob, in which Jacob writes “to the reader I bid farewell, hoping that many of my brethren may read my words. Brethren, adieu.” (Jacob 7:27)

However, anti-Mormons say this single appearance is one too many.

“This proves Joseph Smith wasn’t who he said he was,” said Ted McGinley, President of We Know What You Believe Better Than You Do Ministries, a group that specifically points out the flaws of Mormonism. “Adieu is a French word. French didn’t exist when this Jacob character allegedly wrote the Book of Mormon.”

The extreme drop in membership has taken place over the past few weeks. Preliminary surveys show that there may be as few as 5 million Mormons left, and many of those who remain have gone inactive.

“I can’t believe how foolish I was to believe in such a thing my whole life,” said Marley Sorter, 39, of St. George, Utah. “I want to sincerely thank the anti-Mormons for opening my eyes.”

Tonya Hedgewick, 24, of Beaver, Utah, left the church immediately upon hearing the news of adieu appearing in the Book of Mormon. “All these years, I was taught to pray about the truthfulness of this book,” she said. “But now, seeing that Joseph Smith used a word from a language that didn’t exist during Jacob’s time, I think to myself, what’s the point?”

Membership is expected to continue to plunge into 2009, with the possibility the church could be defunct by 2012. There remain some, however, who have remained staunch members of the church, and continue to hold out hope.

Rebekah Corsyn, 30, of Los Angeles, has not left the church, and insists the adieu problem can be worked out. “I’m not sure why this is such an issue,” she said. “Remember, Joseph was translating the Book of Mormon into English, which didn’t exist in Jacob’s time either. Adieu was simply a word he used to best convey what Jacob was saying.”

McGinley points out that attitudes like Corsyn’s are dangerous. “There are still a lot of stubborn Mormons who fall back on ‘logic’ and ‘reason’ to deny our smoking gun evidence,” he said. “Some even tell me they have a ‘testimony’ that it’s true anyway. When will they realize the only way to the truth is to ruthlessly attack your opposition and worry about all that other stuff later?”

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Holy Ghost apparently tells local woman to go up and ramble about her family for 10 minutes during testimony meeting

SAN JOSE, CA- The Holy Ghost, one of the three members of the Godhead, apparently told 38-year old Lisa Brunach, of the Stonehouse 5th Ward in San Jose, to go up to the podium and ramble about her family for ten minutes during the congregation’s monthly fast and testimony meeting this past November.

In what appears to be a more commonly-seen occurrence in the modern church, the Holy Ghost often tells members to go up and give everything but a testimony. The case of Brunach, however, was especially notable for the sheer amount of superfluous information she was inspired to give.

Sources from Stonehouse 5th Ward report that Brunach, an exasperatingly happily-married mother of four daughters, went up to the podium early in the meeting, and remained there rambling for 9-12 minutes.

Mildred Musgrave, grandmother of many, witnessed the event.

“I recall Sister Brunach talking a lot about her daughters- Trista, Tammy, Teri, and Tabitha. That’s so cute their names all start with the same letter. I think she might have even mentioned that when she was up there,” said Musgrave.

14 of the roughly 75 witnesses of the “testimony” were interviewed, and none recall hearing Brunach say anything about the eternal truths she knows to be true.

“She didn’t say ‘I know’ at all,” said Robert Nichelson, 41. “But she did say ‘I’m grateful for’ a lot. She mentioned her husband and how they met, she talked about potty-training Teri, and I think she alluded to the time she was on her mission and she dreamed about having a family. But not a whole lot else.”

Church authorities are baffled at the recent string of similar incidents apparently brought about by the Holy Ghost, who is supposed to impart knowledge to those receptive to his still, small voice.

“It’s unclear why this has been happening so often,” said Andrew DeWitt, 2nd counselor in the Stonehouse 5th Bishopric. “Perhaps the Holy Ghost has realized that bearing one’s real testimony is a horrible, frightening thing, just setting people up for humiliation and ridicule. If they instead feel compelled to just ramble randomly, maybe others won’t point and laugh at them as they come back down to their seat.”

Brunach was available for comment, but The Mormonion didn’t really feel like interviewing her.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Area man the personification of Evangelicals’ concept of a Mormon

BRIGHAM CITY, UT- Levi White, 27-year-old father of four, displays a striking resemblance to Evangelical groups’ stereotypical concept of a Mormon.

White, who served a mission in Quito, Ecuador, where he did “whatever it took” to get the baptism numbers up, currently works as a lawyer in Salt Lake City. He is a BYU graduate who describes himself as someone who’s “dedicated to the cause of advancing the gospel of Jesus, one of our many gods.”

White, when asked about how his beliefs play a role in his life, answered, “It’s all based around the Book of Mormon. We don’t really read much of the Bible, as it is filled with mistakes.”

In response to a question about what he does to prepare for the afterlife, White said, “It doesn’t worry me too much. I know that by works we are saved- none of this grace nonsense. You have to work your way into heaven, and I’ve done that.”

He added, “I’m really looking forward to resurrecting my wife and presiding over her for time and all eternity. I’m just curious to know what planet I’ll get to be god of. Hopefully I get to name it myself.”

The White family’s daily routine follows a common pattern, which includes saying prayers day and night in the name of Joseph Smith, and shaving their horns.

“Those things get pretty pesky. I’ve had to grow my hair out a little longer so they can’t be seen,” he said with a chuckle.

When asked what his favorite part of the gospel is, White responded, “Going to the temple. I particularly enjoy baptizing cruel dictators posthumously and sacrificing the goats.”

White stressed that he loved his life in spite of how busy it is. “There are certain times that I’m involved in a service project in which I’m not there just trying to score brownie points with God, and those instances are very fulfilling. Also, I have a profound love for my three wives- my regular one and my two secret temple wives. They certainly keep me young.”

Monday, December 8, 2008

LDS couple on third date harassed for not being engaged yet

ALLENTOWN, PA- Robert Upham, 24, and Cynthia Klemm, 22, who have both been members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints their entire lives, recently went on their third date Friday night, sources close to the couple confirm. There are no apparent signs, however, that the couple will be getting engaged any time soon.

The date, which consisted of a moderately priced dinner at the Olive Garden followed by ice skating at a rink in south Allentown, was concluded by a kiss, but no proposal from Upham.

“I’m not sure what Robert is waiting for,” said Erica Martinez, who attends the same ward as the couple. “Cynthia’s such a sweet girl. And Rob's been back from his mission (Sweden Stockholm) for almost three years now. If the next date doesn’t end with some sort of eternal commitment, there’s going to be some real cause for concern.”

Klemm moved into the Riverside Ward in southern Allentown three months ago when she was transferred by the retail company she works for. Upham, a native of Allentown who recently finished college and now works as a public high school teacher, asked her out a short time later.

“They’ve both got their lives together,” said fellow ward member Sam Holston. “The next logical step is celestial marriage and children.”

When asked why he hasn’t popped the question yet, Upham responded, “I want to make sure things go okay financially in my first year of teaching before I even consider marriage. Plus I want to get to know Cynthia better.”

Klemm echoed her boyfriend’s tone, and added that she hasn’t “even met his parents yet.”

Craig McMurtery, Bishop of the Riverside Ward, is skeptical of such reasoning given by the couple regarding why they’re holding off marriage.

“We’ve got to look at this from an eternal perspective here,” said McMurtery. “Finances and meeting parents are all secondary. As long as they both share a love of this gospel, that’s what’s important. They can get to know each other after they’ve made all the everlasting covenants.”

Upham and Klemm have tentatively planned a fourth date this Saturday to go bowling and eat at Chick-fil-A.

“That sounds like a major downgrade,” said Martinez when hearing of their plans through the grapevine. “Nobody proposes at a place with pictures of cows painting misspelled words. It’s a real disappointment. They’ll both be damaged goods soon.”

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Headline of the Day

Do you think we could move Seminary back a little earlier?

By Jennifer Yelle
Fictional High School Student

Let me start this off by saying that I am not one to complain. I love life! I have seven wonderful brothers and sisters and terrific parents! I have great friends! And I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life!

But I really have a problem with Seminary. Well, not Seminary itself. I love seminary! Brother McNeil is a magnificent teacher! The problem is the time. We go before our regular school classes, so we start it at 6:30 a.m. Are they crazy? How much can we learn so late in the morning? Especially with school starting at 7:15?

To fix this problem, I propose that we move Seminary back to at least 5:45 a.m. It would still give everyone enough time to pray, shower, eat a full breakfast, walk the dog, and probably still get some personal scripture study in before going. This way, we could also extend the time of Seminary from the 45 minutes it is now to an hour. We’re studying the Old Testament this year, and I really feel like we’re just skipping over some really important parts. Like the Book of Numbers. Isn’t it just fascinating the way Heavenly Father instructed the prophets to write about their family histories? I could study those names all day! Also, according to the schedule, we’re only going to be in Isaiah for two weeks. That’s just not enough. We need more time to study the symbolism, especially from the chapters repeated in the Book of Mormon so that we can do some cross-referencing! I love cross-referencing!

Also, pushing Seminary back would give an extra half hour before classes start to go to the library and do extra schoolwork. The three hours I dedicate per night on school just isn’t enough anymore since I’ve become a sophomore. And then if we happen to get done with all our schoolwork on a particular morning, we can get our scriptures out and ponder on what we just learned the past hour in Seminary.

This is a perfect plan! I hope that our stake leaders take into account the factors I have mentioned. As teenagers, we have reached a point in our lives where mixing gospel study and school study into our mornings has made us truly begin to appreciate all the wonderful things life can teach us!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Guy who converted to church 2 years ago still pronouncing “Deseret” like it’s a French word

OLYMPIA, WA- Otis Benningsley, 35, continues to pronounce “Deseret” as if it is a French word, even though he recently celebrated his 2nd anniversary in the LDS Church.

Fellow members of the Olympia First Ward have taken notice of this blunder. “He keeps saying it ‘Des-er-AY.’ He never pronounces the t,” said Andrew Haigle, Sunday School President. “What, does he think we’re in Quebec or something?”

“It wouldn’t be a big deal if he didn’t say it a lot,” said Shelly Brown, who serves on the Relief Society Presidency at Olympia First. “But, my goodness, it’s all the time! He’s like, ‘Let’s sing In Our Lovely Deser-AY!’ ‘Did you know that Deser-AY means beehive?’ ‘Why does Deser-AY Book smell so funny?’”

“I mean, we say it right all the time!” she added. “Even more now with a lot of emphasis on the ‘ET’ at the end of the word, and he still doesn’t change. I don’t know what to do anymore!”

Trent Thigpen, Bishop of Olympia First, has major concerns about Benningsley’s progress. “After two years in the church, there are some expectations you’ve got to meet,” Thigpen said. “There’s the obvious of attaining the Melchizedek Priesthood and becoming temple worthy, but you’ve got to know the Mormon Lingo.”

“It’s pretty clear there is no compatibility with France and the Celestial Kingdom. If Otis ever wants all that God has, he’d better start pronouncing his t’s.”

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Church repeals little known Priesthood ban on people named Ernie

SALT LAKE CITY, UT- After a solemn assembly at the temple in Salt Lake City, LDS church authorities announced that it would repeal the 172-year old ban barring anyone named Ernie to receive the Priesthood.

In what was the first revelation of its kind since the church lifted its ban of Blacks to the Priesthood in 1978, President Thomas S. Monson called the event a "momentous event in the history of the church."

"No longer will our brothers named Ernie be denied the blessings the Priesthood has to offer," Monson said in a statement released Tuesday morning. "It is incredible to look at how the gospel has rolled forth across the world, becoming fully available to all of God’s children."

The ban, enacted in 1838 after a revelation given to Joseph Smith, was recorded in what would become Section 139 of the Doctrine & Covenants, despite the fact that section was lost when the book went to print. It remained church doctrine, however, with little fanfare.

Documents were recovered in 1991 by a church leader in Provo that were later proven to be the lost Section 139. This discovery began a controversy among self -described "Priesthood for Ernie" advocates that has now ended with the lifting of the ban 17 years later.

"This ban has absolutely nothing to do with those protests," Monson insisted. "The time was right for the Priesthood to be extended to Ernies worldwide, and the Lord let us know."

The ban, explicitly stated in D&C 139: 3-4, was a declaration from the Lord in which it was written that "Behold, the brethren of this church named Ernie shall not be given the powers and
authority associated with my Priesthood."Little reason was given for the ban, though verse 7 states that "all men shall suffer through trials, even those named Ernie."

The abolishment of the ban has already had its effects. Ernie Thadwick, 21, of Tulsa, OK, was born into the church but was unable to receive the priesthood he so desperately desired.

"When my parents told me about the ban when I was 12, I was devastated," he said. "But I stayed strong and never lost faith. I knew one day God would extend his promise to give all He has to all His children, Ernies included."

The lift of the ban will affect some 37 LDS church members in the United States alone. Experts predict that number would be larger had there not been so many Ernies who decided to leave the church when hearing of the ban. They also predict to see as much as a 5% increase in membership of Ernies in the next ten years.

"A lot of people who didn’t know how this church worked told me I should leave it. They thought this was blatant discrimination against people named Ernie," Thadwick said. "But I didn’t leave. And now I get the Priesthood. I get to go on a mission."

Thadwick added he would make a special request to be referred to as "Elder Ernie" as a "reminder to everyone what years of prayer can do."

LDS scholar comes to realization that sometime between 34 A.D. and 1820, Jesus’s beard turned from brown to white

A painting of Jesus Christ (circa 29 A.D.). The Jesus of 1820 (inset) has noticeably whiter hair, leading scholars to theorize about why such a change may have occurred.

SOLDIERS’ SUMMIT, UT- John Abernathy, a retired professor of sociology who worked at Brigham Young University for over 30 years, has discovered that Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, experienced "considerable" changes to his hair color in the 1,800 years following his ascension.

Comparing portraits of Jesus from 29 A.D. and 1820 A.D., Abernathy has deduced that "while Christ’s hair length doesn’t seem to have been affected, it’s clear that the hair color has whitened dramatically."

"What Joseph Smith saw in the Sacred Grove was an aged Jesus, beginning to look much more like his father," Abernathy said. "And I can only assume that in his 1836 vision (in the Kirtland, Ohio temple), Jesus’ hair only got whiter."

Abernathy has devoted the last six months to the topic and has come up with some possible explanations for the stunning transformation.

"You’ve got to remember that soon after Jesus returned to Heaven, there was a Great Apostasy on earth," he said. "During that time, he had to deal with the Dark Ages, countless wars, the founding of France, and a world decreasing in knowledge of the true gospel."

When asked why that would have turned Jesus’ hair white, Abernathy explained that "it’s simple science. Stress will cause hair to whiten."

He added that Jesus has created many worlds, and that "perhaps the stress he suffered regarding the wickedness of the earth only contributed fractionally compared to those other planets."

Abernathy, set to publish his thesis in the next edition of the BYU Farms newsletter, assures members of the church that "this shouldn’t be a cause of worry. He’s still all-powerful and all-knowing. A little white hair isn’t going to change that."

However, Abernathy does have concerns over the larger implications of these findings.

"It would be unfortunate if this world continued to contribute to the hair-whitening stress of Jesus. We can’t control what other planets do, but we have an obligation to do our part in keeping Jesus look youthful."

The Initial Post

Hello all! Thanks for taking the time to visit my blog. I wanted a place where I could post my recent creation, The Mormonion. It's a Mormon-themed parody newspaper in the mold of the mega-popular Onion, which has even become a television phenomenon.

There is just so much material in the world of the Latter-day Saints. As a practicing Mormon who's not afraid to laugh at his faith, I thought I'd give this a shot.

Look for many stories in the weeks to come!