Thursday, July 23, 2009

Latest Dieter F. Uchtdorf talk makes no reference to piloting or planes

SALT LAKE CITY, UT- In a shocking turn of events that some are describing as “inconceivable,” Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, presented a talk in this April’s General Conference that made absolutely no reference to piloting or planes.

The talk, entitled “The Way of the Disciple,” covered topics including Jesus Christ’s gospel, Palm Sunday, and patience, but never employed an allusion to aviation, which has become known as President Uchtdorf’s trademark. Its absence in the Sunday morning session of Conference was felt in the church worldwide.

“I feel lost, just so lost,” said Greta Urlando, 41, of Provo. “Every general conference I have my mind ready to receive President Uchtdorf’s aviation-related gospel talks. And this year, Sunday morning came and went, and no mention of pilots or planes. Or even a helicopter.”

The lack of aeronautic imagery in the talk was felt worldwide, including in Uchtdorf’s home country of Germany. “I have no idea how to apply President Uchtdorf’s message if I can’t imagine some type of flight,” said Heinrich Schweibel, of Berlin. “I am at a loss for words.”

Uchtdorf was unavailable for comment after conference, and none of the General Authorities would respond to questions about the aviation-desolate talk given he gave on Sunday morning.

It should be noted, however, that Uchtdorf did mention air travel in a talk he gave during Priesthood Session on Saturday evening, entitled “We Are Doing a Great Work and Cannot Come Down.”

“Some good that does me,” said Sister Urlando. “I’m going to have to wait for the Ensign to come out before I can read it. And there’s a big difference between reading about planes and hearing about them directly from President Uchtdorf’s mouth.”

Brother Schweibel pointed out that “even though there was some good stuff in that talk,” he is still very disappointed because “every talk has to mention aviation or it may as well be that none of them do. And remember, his aviation topic in the Priesthood talk was about a jumbo jet that crashed in Florida. That’s kind of a downer. Let’s just hope October is better.”

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Point-Counterpoint: King David


David should have looked away

By Elder Robbins

The story of King David is a tragic one. He was a legend who had slain Goliath as a boy. He was a powerful king. He was the Psalmist with an incredible propensity for the written word. However, all that would be overshadowed by one fateful encounter with a beautiful married woman.

The woman’s name was Bathsheba. Her husband, Uriah, was away at war. David saw Bathsheba washing herself, and David brought her back to his palace. They committed adultery, and Bathsheba became pregnant because of their actions. David, attempting to cover his sin, eventually arranged for Uriah to be killed in battle.

Because David couldn’t control the “natural man,” he ended up committing two abominable sins- adultery and murder. Although he had accomplished so much good in his life, it wasn’t enough to keep him from giving into carnal lusts. And this caused a chain of events that would eventually lead to David having no opportunity at attaining a fulness of joy in the eternities.

Brothers and sisters, may we all keep our eyes on the big picture and not let what happened to King David happen to us. Imagine where he would be now had he only looked away. Let us always remember how infinitely better our lives will turn out if we focus on spiritual rather than temporal pleasures.


Dude, come on!

By King David

What was I supposed to do? Exercise restraint or something? Have you seen Bathsheba? She’s what you people would call “hot.”

Come on! You see a girl washing herself, there is no more agency. You become a robot whose sole destiny is to sleep with and impregnate her. Plus, I was a husband and she was a wife. It’s not like we were having sex outside the bonds of marriage. And did I mention she was hot and washing herself?

And what’s with the hullabaloo over me killing Uriah? Any sane person knows I had to cover up what I did with his wife. And remember, my agency was gone by that point. Also, it’s not like I hadn’t killed before (for more info on my remarkable triumph over Goliath, see 1 Samuel 17- pretty awesome, even today). Uriah would have been killed anyway. I mean, he was a soldier fighting in ancient times- those aren’t exactly the kinds of people you see filling up the nursing homes.

So to sum up, I have no regrets. Yeah, right now I may be a custodian working in the Telestial Kingdom, but I'm due to get a raise any day now. And the benefits are fabulous.

Monday, March 16, 2009

LDS families’ dogs feeling unwanted since church’s explicit stance against petting

As a result of one of the more bizarre commandments members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are expected to follow, thousands of dogs owned by Mormons are now feeling unwanted worldwide, source confirm.

Spencer W. Kimball, 12th President of the Church, warned against "necking, petting, and fornication" in a talk on morality given in 1980. Since this talk was given, the number of melancholy canines in LDS homes has gone up sevenfold.

Dr. Bertrand Baker, emeritus professor at Brigham Young University, has always been curious why such a strange commandment would be lumped in with sins regarding the law of chastity.

"President Kimball was talking about sexual sin," Baker said. "It was a very profound talk about avoiding necking and fornication, which he equated with adultery. But to include petting as a sin, I just don't get it. Not only is it confusing, but it's way off topic."

Monday, January 19, 2009

Moon turns to blood, sun denying any involvement

OUR SOLAR SYSTEM, MILKY WAY GALAXY- In what some are calling a sign of the end times and others a despicable act of rage, Earth’s moon turned to blood Wednesday evening, at about 9:30 p.m. Mountain Standard Time. Investigators are unsure why this has happened, but the sun is a leading suspect in the case.

This event has long been prophesied. It was alluded to in the Book of Joel in the Old Testament, and mentioned four times in Joseph Smith’s Doctrine and Covenants. One scripture states that “before this great day (the Lord’s Second Coming) shall come the sun shall be darkened and the moon shall be turned into blood, and the stars shall fall from heaven.” (D&C 29:14)

Despite the moon’s recent bleeding, there has been no other sign of the Second Coming, which has led some Latter-day Saints to believe the sun perpetrated this crime to trick us.

“Look at the facts,” said Dr. Kirk Reumstetter, Professor of Astronomy at Brigham Young University in Idaho. “The Lord hasn’t come yet. No stars have fallen from heaven, and the sun sure hasn’t darkened. This is pretty suspicious. I think the sun has some explaining to do.”

The sun vehemently denies any involvement in the incident. Currently, the moon is in critical but stable condition, with deep puncture wounds covering its dark side and a major gash in the Sea of Tranquility.

“I’d say the moon’s chances of survival are about 50/50 right now,” said Reumstetter. “And even if it does recover, who knows how long before it gets back to normal, illuminating self.”

Investigators are trying to come up with a motive for the incident if it was indeed the sun that committed the act. The best theory is that the sun was jealous of having to share earth’s sky with the moon, and since Earth’s moon is closer to the sun than any other such satellite, it was the first target.

“I personally believe the sun’s rage grew and grew until it just couldn’t take it anymore,” said Reumstetter. “From having to share the sky with the moon to getting periodically blocked completely in the event of solar eclipses, the sun made this decision. If Jesus doesn’t come back soon, it’s going to be pretty obvious what happened here.”

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Married couple experiences awkward moment at family history center when they discover they’re related

PERTH, AUSTRALIA- Latter-day Saints Curtis and Jackie Porter, who recently celebrated their 2nd anniversary as husband and wife, experienced an awkward moment at the family history center in downtown Perth yesterday when they found out they are related to each other.

It was the first time the couple had visited the family history center or done any genealogy work together, following a New Year’s resolution to begin the process.

At 11:17 a.m., approximately a half-hour after arriving, the Porters made the discovery on the church’s family history website that they were second cousins. This was followed by about a minute of silence, then a couple of awkward glances and half-smiles directed at each other, and finally Jackie getting up and excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

Multiple sources confirm that Jackie Porter’s (formerly Jackie Brenner) cousin, Samantha Frye-Porter, is Curtis’s mother. Jackie has 54 cousins, many of whom she has never met, which makes this sort of thing bound to happen.

However, the couple vows to move ahead in spite of the discomfiting news.

“I don’t think it’s a big deal,” said Curtis. “It happens.”

“We’ll get through this,” said Jackie. “I mean, in grand terms, we’re all family.”

Friday, January 2, 2009

Mormons in Navy forced to attend Admiral Conference

SAN DIEGO, CA- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints instituted its first annual “Admiral Conference” this past week in San Diego, home to much of the United States Navy’s Pacific Fleet. All LDS naval officers were required to attend.

The conference, which featured all members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles dressed as admirals, consisted of talks that were all Navy-themed in nature.

Some of the highlights of the conference included “Spiritual Anchors Aweigh,” a moving talk by Elder David A. Bednar, which illustrated a symbolic relationship between ships (or members of the church), anchors (prayer, scripture study, and following the commandments), and treacherous waters (Satan).

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk entitled “Iceberg, right ahead!” He urged Latter-day Saints to avoid “icebergs of sin” in our lives that could cause our “spiritual ship to sink” if we were too busy “fooling around like Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet instead of watching out for such obstacles placed in front of us by the devil.”

President Thomas S. Monson’s closing remarks, entitled “Head Above Water,” contained many stories from his childhood and early adult life, the most notable of which when he saved four widows who wandered too far out into the Great Salt Lake one summer night when he was a bishop.