Monday, January 19, 2009

Moon turns to blood, sun denying any involvement

OUR SOLAR SYSTEM, MILKY WAY GALAXY- In what some are calling a sign of the end times and others a despicable act of rage, Earth’s moon turned to blood Wednesday evening, at about 9:30 p.m. Mountain Standard Time. Investigators are unsure why this has happened, but the sun is a leading suspect in the case.

This event has long been prophesied. It was alluded to in the Book of Joel in the Old Testament, and mentioned four times in Joseph Smith’s Doctrine and Covenants. One scripture states that “before this great day (the Lord’s Second Coming) shall come the sun shall be darkened and the moon shall be turned into blood, and the stars shall fall from heaven.” (D&C 29:14)

Despite the moon’s recent bleeding, there has been no other sign of the Second Coming, which has led some Latter-day Saints to believe the sun perpetrated this crime to trick us.

“Look at the facts,” said Dr. Kirk Reumstetter, Professor of Astronomy at Brigham Young University in Idaho. “The Lord hasn’t come yet. No stars have fallen from heaven, and the sun sure hasn’t darkened. This is pretty suspicious. I think the sun has some explaining to do.”

The sun vehemently denies any involvement in the incident. Currently, the moon is in critical but stable condition, with deep puncture wounds covering its dark side and a major gash in the Sea of Tranquility.

“I’d say the moon’s chances of survival are about 50/50 right now,” said Reumstetter. “And even if it does recover, who knows how long before it gets back to normal, illuminating self.”

Investigators are trying to come up with a motive for the incident if it was indeed the sun that committed the act. The best theory is that the sun was jealous of having to share earth’s sky with the moon, and since Earth’s moon is closer to the sun than any other such satellite, it was the first target.

“I personally believe the sun’s rage grew and grew until it just couldn’t take it anymore,” said Reumstetter. “From having to share the sky with the moon to getting periodically blocked completely in the event of solar eclipses, the sun made this decision. If Jesus doesn’t come back soon, it’s going to be pretty obvious what happened here.”

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