Monday, April 11, 2011

I put my mission papers in two and a half years ago and haven’t heard back- should I call someone?

By Soon-to-be-Elder (maybe) Josh Crawford

Ever since I was a little kid, I've dreamed of going on a mission. Serving others. Baptizing the multitudes. Going door-to-door and meeting new people. Ya know, all that good stuff.

Well anyway, on my 19th birthday, I turned in my mission papers to my stake president. He told me my confirmation would come in the mail shortly.

It's been, like, two and a half years since that day.

Should I call somebody, or. . .?

I don't really know what to do. I mean, President O'Donnell said it would be here "shortly." He wouldn't lie about that, right? I figured "shortly" would have meant a few weeks, six at the most. But maybe God is trying to teach me something. Like how his timetable is different from ours, I don't know.

I'm not sure if I should contact President O'Donnell about it. First of all, he was released a year ago. Second, I'm pretty sure he died three months ago. And I don't really want to bother the new Stake President. He's got a lot of stuff to do.

Should I tell my parents? They're pretty busy and have always respected my independence, so they haven't made any mention of it. They'd probably have some advice for me. But is this really an issue that should concern them? It's not like it's about anything that important in their lives. Just me leaving for two years. Most parents deal with that fine I think.

Maybe I should write President Monson. He could let me in on what's going on. Except. . . well, wait, he's pretty busy. He's got all that prophet and seer stuff to do. Probably translating the sealed part of the Book of Mormon for all I know.

Meh. I'll give it another month. I can't imagine God would make me wait thirty-one months for the call. But then again, that whole timetable thing. I mean, he's been up there for like an eternity or whatever, so my wait is nothing to him. I wish I had a God-time to me-time conversion chart so at least I'd know. Oh well.

By the way, has anyone played the new Call of Duty? It's amazing. I'm becoming quite an expert. . . Now don't go judging me. What else do I have to do? I finished my first year of college, now time to focus on the mission. But in the mean time, I can master Call of Duty. So. . . yeah. . .

Monday, April 4, 2011

God admits Book of Mormon to be one big prank on Joseph Smith

HEAVEN- After nearly 200 years of the clever ruse, God finally let the cat out of the bag today, when He came public with the stunning admission that the Book of Mormon was "one big prank" on the Prophet Joseph Smith.

"It took years of careful planning to pull this one off," God said, "and while it has continued to give me a lot of laughs over the years, I felt it was a good time to finally clear the air."

God's comments came during an hour-long press conference at the pearly gates Tuesday night, in which He answered multiple questions about what he called the "ultimate practical joke, or at the very least, the best prank of the dispensation."

It all began in 1820 when God the Father and Jesus Christ appeared to 14-year old Joseph Smith in the woods of upstate New York. "While it was certainly necessary to tell Joseph that he should join none of the churches, the First Vision was also integral in getting the ball rolling on the Book of Mormon joke."

In 1823, God sent an angel into the room of Joseph, whom he claimed to be a previous inhabitant of the Americas, named Moroni. God admitted Tuesday that "Moroni" was none other than the Apostle Bartholomew. "Good ol' Bart," God chuckled. "Not much is mentioned of him in the Bible, but he's a tremendous actor."

As for the Book of Mormon itself, God says He found the plates at a garage sale in the Terrestrial Kingdom. "You find the craziest things at those sales," He said. "Probably the best find I've had since I got those barrels of fish for Jesus."

God explained the translation process was "exactly as Joseph and the witnesses described. Joseph used his seer stones and the Urim and Thummim, and I fed him the words- words I felt were good, I mean the book has been quite a success in My Church. I've even got the Holy Ghost in on it by witnessing to everybody it's true- but the story itself, yeah, we pulled a fast one on young Joe."

God also talked about some of the details He had to take into account to make the prank work. When asked about what Jesus meant by visiting His "other sheep" since it wasn't in America, God responded, "Actually Jesus ended up going to what's now Cambodia. We ended up scrapping that after they tried to kill Him also."

Smith released a statement Thursday via Celestweet commenting on the prank: "good 1 God! i rly fell 4 that 1. shame i had to die 4 it, but hey its cool. payback will be even cooler ;)"

The Mormonion will keep you updated on any developments in the God-Joseph Smith Celestial Prank Wars.