Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Point-Counterpoint: King David


David should have looked away

By Elder Robbins

The story of King David is a tragic one. He was a legend who had slain Goliath as a boy. He was a powerful king. He was the Psalmist with an incredible propensity for the written word. However, all that would be overshadowed by one fateful encounter with a beautiful married woman.

The woman’s name was Bathsheba. Her husband, Uriah, was away at war. David saw Bathsheba washing herself, and David brought her back to his palace. They committed adultery, and Bathsheba became pregnant because of their actions. David, attempting to cover his sin, eventually arranged for Uriah to be killed in battle.

Because David couldn’t control the “natural man,” he ended up committing two abominable sins- adultery and murder. Although he had accomplished so much good in his life, it wasn’t enough to keep him from giving into carnal lusts. And this caused a chain of events that would eventually lead to David having no opportunity at attaining a fulness of joy in the eternities.

Brothers and sisters, may we all keep our eyes on the big picture and not let what happened to King David happen to us. Imagine where he would be now had he only looked away. Let us always remember how infinitely better our lives will turn out if we focus on spiritual rather than temporal pleasures.


Dude, come on!

By King David

What was I supposed to do? Exercise restraint or something? Have you seen Bathsheba? She’s what you people would call “hot.”

Come on! You see a girl washing herself, there is no more agency. You become a robot whose sole destiny is to sleep with and impregnate her. Plus, I was a husband and she was a wife. It’s not like we were having sex outside the bonds of marriage. And did I mention she was hot and washing herself?

And what’s with the hullabaloo over me killing Uriah? Any sane person knows I had to cover up what I did with his wife. And remember, my agency was gone by that point. Also, it’s not like I hadn’t killed before (for more info on my remarkable triumph over Goliath, see 1 Samuel 17- pretty awesome, even today). Uriah would have been killed anyway. I mean, he was a soldier fighting in ancient times- those aren’t exactly the kinds of people you see filling up the nursing homes.

So to sum up, I have no regrets. Yeah, right now I may be a custodian working in the Telestial Kingdom, but I'm due to get a raise any day now. And the benefits are fabulous.

Monday, March 16, 2009

LDS families’ dogs feeling unwanted since church’s explicit stance against petting

As a result of one of the more bizarre commandments members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are expected to follow, thousands of dogs owned by Mormons are now feeling unwanted worldwide, source confirm.

Spencer W. Kimball, 12th President of the Church, warned against "necking, petting, and fornication" in a talk on morality given in 1980. Since this talk was given, the number of melancholy canines in LDS homes has gone up sevenfold.

Dr. Bertrand Baker, emeritus professor at Brigham Young University, has always been curious why such a strange commandment would be lumped in with sins regarding the law of chastity.

"President Kimball was talking about sexual sin," Baker said. "It was a very profound talk about avoiding necking and fornication, which he equated with adultery. But to include petting as a sin, I just don't get it. Not only is it confusing, but it's way off topic."