Monday, January 19, 2009

Moon turns to blood, sun denying any involvement

OUR SOLAR SYSTEM, MILKY WAY GALAXY- In what some are calling a sign of the end times and others a despicable act of rage, Earth’s moon turned to blood Wednesday evening, at about 9:30 p.m. Mountain Standard Time. Investigators are unsure why this has happened, but the sun is a leading suspect in the case.

This event has long been prophesied. It was alluded to in the Book of Joel in the Old Testament, and mentioned four times in Joseph Smith’s Doctrine and Covenants. One scripture states that “before this great day (the Lord’s Second Coming) shall come the sun shall be darkened and the moon shall be turned into blood, and the stars shall fall from heaven.” (D&C 29:14)

Despite the moon’s recent bleeding, there has been no other sign of the Second Coming, which has led some Latter-day Saints to believe the sun perpetrated this crime to trick us.

“Look at the facts,” said Dr. Kirk Reumstetter, Professor of Astronomy at Brigham Young University in Idaho. “The Lord hasn’t come yet. No stars have fallen from heaven, and the sun sure hasn’t darkened. This is pretty suspicious. I think the sun has some explaining to do.”

The sun vehemently denies any involvement in the incident. Currently, the moon is in critical but stable condition, with deep puncture wounds covering its dark side and a major gash in the Sea of Tranquility.

“I’d say the moon’s chances of survival are about 50/50 right now,” said Reumstetter. “And even if it does recover, who knows how long before it gets back to normal, illuminating self.”

Investigators are trying to come up with a motive for the incident if it was indeed the sun that committed the act. The best theory is that the sun was jealous of having to share earth’s sky with the moon, and since Earth’s moon is closer to the sun than any other such satellite, it was the first target.

“I personally believe the sun’s rage grew and grew until it just couldn’t take it anymore,” said Reumstetter. “From having to share the sky with the moon to getting periodically blocked completely in the event of solar eclipses, the sun made this decision. If Jesus doesn’t come back soon, it’s going to be pretty obvious what happened here.”

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Married couple experiences awkward moment at family history center when they discover they’re related

PERTH, AUSTRALIA- Latter-day Saints Curtis and Jackie Porter, who recently celebrated their 2nd anniversary as husband and wife, experienced an awkward moment at the family history center in downtown Perth yesterday when they found out they are related to each other.

It was the first time the couple had visited the family history center or done any genealogy work together, following a New Year’s resolution to begin the process.

At 11:17 a.m., approximately a half-hour after arriving, the Porters made the discovery on the church’s family history website that they were second cousins. This was followed by about a minute of silence, then a couple of awkward glances and half-smiles directed at each other, and finally Jackie getting up and excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

Multiple sources confirm that Jackie Porter’s (formerly Jackie Brenner) cousin, Samantha Frye-Porter, is Curtis’s mother. Jackie has 54 cousins, many of whom she has never met, which makes this sort of thing bound to happen.

However, the couple vows to move ahead in spite of the discomfiting news.

“I don’t think it’s a big deal,” said Curtis. “It happens.”

“We’ll get through this,” said Jackie. “I mean, in grand terms, we’re all family.”

Friday, January 2, 2009

Mormons in Navy forced to attend Admiral Conference

SAN DIEGO, CA- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints instituted its first annual “Admiral Conference” this past week in San Diego, home to much of the United States Navy’s Pacific Fleet. All LDS naval officers were required to attend.

The conference, which featured all members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles dressed as admirals, consisted of talks that were all Navy-themed in nature.

Some of the highlights of the conference included “Spiritual Anchors Aweigh,” a moving talk by Elder David A. Bednar, which illustrated a symbolic relationship between ships (or members of the church), anchors (prayer, scripture study, and following the commandments), and treacherous waters (Satan).

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk entitled “Iceberg, right ahead!” He urged Latter-day Saints to avoid “icebergs of sin” in our lives that could cause our “spiritual ship to sink” if we were too busy “fooling around like Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet instead of watching out for such obstacles placed in front of us by the devil.”

President Thomas S. Monson’s closing remarks, entitled “Head Above Water,” contained many stories from his childhood and early adult life, the most notable of which when he saved four widows who wandered too far out into the Great Salt Lake one summer night when he was a bishop.