April Fools’ Sunday conference sessions to be filled with jokes, false doctrine

As the Spring 2012 edition of General Conference approaches, the First Presidency announced this week that they will be dedicating both the morning and afternoon sessions on Sunday, April 1 to the April Fools' tradition of jesting and jovial deceit.

First Counselor Henry B. Eyring delivered the announcement on Tuesday, saying that "the general authorities have been waiting quite a while for the next time April Fools' came on a weekend. We've got some pretty epic plans for this one."

"Don't get me wrong, we love the traditional milquetoast delivery of General Conference," he added. "But sometimes it's beneficial to everyone to mix things up a little. This is for them. Religion without entertainment is like... well, religion without God."

Eyring wouldn't go into details on the specifics, only revealing that Sunday morning would be more focused on jokes and pranks, while Sunday afternoon would be highlighted by the proclamation of many of the false doctrines opponents of the Church accuse Latter-day Saints of believing.

"We're going to have a lot of fun with it," Eyring gushed. "And I think our members will too. Ten hours of conference in one weekend is a lot. Hopefully an entertaining final four will keep our members from falling into their usual catatonic state by Sunday afternoon."

"Speaking of Final Four," he digressed, "you bet I'll be watching that! Even though college basketball's just not the same without Jimmer."

While not official, The Mormonion has learned from an inside source close to Church officials some of the regalement we should expect to see from Salt Lake that day.

Reportedly, Sunday morning will include "Stand Up Hour," during which the more humorous Seventies and Elder Holland will deliver scattered musings about Mormon belief and Utah culture. This will be followed by a flurry of practical jokes, which will begin with a random member of the Tabernacle Choir being dunked with Gak while singing the intermediate hymn. Following this will be various home video footage from the General Authorities' personal collections, including the time Elder Bednar and Elder Andersen applied the hand of a napping President Monson with shaving cream and then tickled him with a feather. Also, the microphone at the podium will be rigged to spray on the unwitting benediction-giver.

Sunday afternoon's session appears to be a winner as well. Talk titles received from our inside source include "Working Your Way Into Heaven" by President Packer, "Preparing Our Planet," by Bishop McMullin, "The Brotherhood of Jesus and Satan," by Elder Scott, and "Polygamy's Back and It's Here to Stay," by President Monson, who will be sporting a full beard. There will also be hymn parodies, including "We Thank Thee, O Smith, for a New God." All prayers will be directed to late LDS scholar Hugh Nibley.

It is also rumored that Republican presidential hopefull Mitt Romney will be a part of the show. It is rumored that he will be participating in a satirical political ad sponsored by the Church, which will declare, "A Romney victory is the first step towards the total Mormon takeover of government we've been trying so long to achieve."

The Mormonion will continue to keep you informed of April Fools' Conference Palooza as information continues to come in. If you would like tickets to the Sunday sessions, they are available on lds.org for $399 a piece.